Two years ago today we entered into a whole new world. We went down the rabbit hole fully, never knowing if we’d see the end.
Two years ago today my beautiful mother walked away from her life, and was never seen alive again.
Two years ago today, my life changed in so many ways.
Two years ago today we learned what a united front really is, what limits we had and how to overcome them.
Two years ago, was the start of a new life, one filled with amazing people on the same trip as us, holding each other up and together.
Two years. It seems so strange to think. I knew this day was coming, and that it would be bad for my mind, but at the same time it snuck up on me, the way all these dates do that stand for some part of mom’s missing from our lives.
Today I’m angry. I’m sad. Depressed. Confused. Thrown. Hurt. Longing. Somber.
I’m everything you can possibly think of. It hasn’t been long, but in some ways its been the longest days I never knew could exist.
Two years ago she was gone, and I’d never hear her voice again. I’d never feel a hug from her. Never smell that ever present perfume of her – Curel hand creme, Nag Champa oil, cigarettes, incense, and Kirk’s Castile soap. Because of that decision she made, for reasons I will never get to know, I will never again sit on that tattered love seat, covered in bedsheets in a poor way to keep her pets from destroying it further, watching Daily Show or some B rate movie that no one else has ever heard of. I will never divulge all my life to her while giggling over yet another cup of Chock Full O’Nuts coffee or Red Rose tea. Never again will we all sit around her little one bedroom house, Peg, Denny, John, all of us watching tv and chattering away over a bottle of wine like half buzzed laughing birds.
Never again, because of this day, will she crochet me hats and scarves, lamenting that my fingers could never master the craft without creating a tangled mess of yarn that would later become another cat toy. Never again will she be there to explain all those rocks, gems and crystals and what they mean. Never again will she be there with her various tarot cards or I Ching, trying time and time again to convince me that all that stuff is real while I roll my eyes lovingly and teasingly.
Never again will we go to Oh Boy! for those greasy delicious hamburgers and onion rings. Never again will we drive through Elyria, where I spent so much of my childhood, with her telling me stories of her own formative years – like the time her and all the neighborhood kids would see who could collect the most mercury that seeped through the sidewalks, or how they would sneak to Cascade Park when they should have been in school to smoke cigarettes. I will no longer know the stories of my grandparents, our history, our life. There are just too many never agains, that it just stings to try to think of them all.
Since that day, two years ago, many things have happened.
In walked the most amazing man, the most competant, compassionate and caring Detective, who held us up and kept us going through the whole thing. This man treated us as an equal, as family, as a case that mattered, not giving up until it was all said and done. This detective, one I never thought existed from all the horror stories one hears about these types of cases, was amazing. I honestly can’t put into words all the things he did for us, all the ways he helped us, There sadly, but truly, are not enough like him in the world. I hope he undertands what a guiding force and relief he was to us. I hope he realizes he will always have support, love and a family in us. Nothing I write or say will ever do justice to how much he did for us. How he made this whole horrible mess ok time and time again.
Two years ago opened the door to so much. We have met so many other families, that when I needed to scream, cry, vent, or ask directions, were there no matter at the drop of a hat. I have met so many we will continue to stand by no matter what. We met so many in the community, amazing beautiful people who wanted nothing more then to see us get our momma back. We have met countless advocates who work day in and out to keep another from going through years of wonder.
We have realized who our true friends are, who in our family will keep by us no matter how ugly things get, and how much strength was really in my marriage. We whether it all.
It will take years, a lifetime even, before mom’s lack of being stops tearing us apart on certain days. I know deep down, that I still have my momma, that I will never be without her. Sometimes the silence can be deafening. When it gets too loud, we will realize that this tragedy has lead us to a new calling, one to keep going til everyone missing comes home. Until this is not such an epidemic.
Two years ago, everything changed.